Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Some Sundance

Last night I went to a Sundance party. I met a man with a mustache like the one featured on Daniel Day Lewis in Gangs of New York. Not kidding. He was nice, but after five minutes, I was bored.

Is it because I'm not good at conversation?

Is it because he was boring...even though his facial hair was exciting?

Is it because my heart just doesn't care about trying to connect and flirt with men anymore?

Is it because, while the party was amazing, and people were fashionable, and rumors of James Franco being there (because his directorial debut film was showing) circulated through the dark, saturated walls--that despite all that, I didn't really connect to anyone?

Is it because I've lost my ability to connect with anyone at all unless I'm behind the camera?

That's a real fear. And it's growing.

Here's another. I like to photograph people, but so do a lot of people. What will make mine special? What will make me satisfied? What is it all about? I guess if everyone stopped creating because the person before them created something similar, then American Literature would have stopped with The Scarlet Letter and we'd have no Huck Finn, no Poisonwood Bible, no House on Mango Street? But at the same time, shouldn't some people just stop the dream and do something else? I'm surrounded by talent on a daily basis with people I know, speak to, facebook, blog, and even the local cafes. I go to galleries and look at other people's creations. I like them, I always have. I used to enjoy them more. Somewhere, deep inside I have this drive that has exploded over the last three months and is telling me that this next year is my make it or break it time. This next year will determine if I have any talent at what I'm doing. This next year I'm giving my all to do something that many, many, many other people have already done before me.

So, my question is, will I be better off if I just sit at home and read a book?


jorg wobblington lopez said...

Daniel Day Louis mustache, you should of had your way with him. I guess boring is a deal breaker. Maybe if his nipples were fire crackers. Good luck with breaking through. If you think it happens, that counts a lot.

Brooke said...

I know the feeling. I can't really say that you should isolate yourself in your creativity--as in, who cares what everyone else is doing. At the same time it is hard to strike a balance between ignoring what the rest of the world is doing so you can do your own thing, while at the same time watching other artists out there--either for inspiration or to help you situate your artistic voice in the world of art--find your own niche. But one thing I can say is that as an artist (because I know in your heart you cannot escape from that drive to create), you need to just create a buttload of stuff. Never stop creating. And somewhere in that there is going to be some crap but there is also going to be some really amazing stuff too. But reading books is also good. So do both.

Ruahines said...

Kia ora e hoa, I never trust a man with a mustache! Let us discuss in Aotearoa when you visit. I am going to take you into my mountains! It would be virtually a crime not to do so. Kia kaha e hoa, you rock!

Stella said...

jorg: boring is the biggest deal breaker of all. Life's too short.

Brooke-Thank you for your comment! As someone who has admired YOUR art for a very long time, it's nice to know you have your ups and downs.

Ruahines: I'm actually going to look into airfare for this December NOW.

Jenny said...

Do not stop! I love your stuff and I can tell that it brings you a lot of satisfaction. Keep it up and read a book every once in a while too.