There is nothing worse than when you start to develop a crush on someone and things are flirtatious and vivacious and you're smiling and you're laughing and joking and then, all of a sudden, he says the most conservative, misogynist, hateful-toward-women comment you can imagine coming out of one person's mouth. And he's still laughing because he thinks he's just won you over, and that he's the most amazing guy in the world. His ego has been stroked. He feels smart and superior and noble. He doesn't even give you the credit of being intelligent enough to see the depths of his hate. In fact, he doesn't see it either. He's programmed to believe in everything society tells him. And you really didn't just want a free cup of coffee, you wanted to believe that there were people out there who think and feel and live and dream like you. You felt a little betrayed because ALL SIGNS pointed to the fact that this man could carry on a conversation that wouldn't slight half of the population's experiences. And you, suddenly, get a small blow to the stomach because you realize, even though the banter is great, that there will never, ever, be date number two. In fact, you might just give up dating all together. In fact, that blow to the stomach comes not just from the idiotic statement of this man, but from the world of men just like him that he is the poster child for. And you realize, as you crawl into bed alone that night and want to snuggle up to someone, that you just might not ever be capable of committing to doing that because your voice and ideas and mission and everything else is tied up in something bigger than simply not being alone at night.
Damn. I really should have stayed home last night and watched the rest of Glee: Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Sigh.
17 comments:
Oh my dear, you have my sincerest sympathies. Yes, I have experienced what you so eloquently put into words, and yes, it is awful, awful, awful. The one thing I would say is that yes, there are so many men out there like this, and it is horribly disappointing. But they are not the whole story. I have 2 non-misogynistic brothers who actively engage in questioning their assumptions and society's messages. They both married very strong, smart women that I adore. If they are out there, then others are out there too.
At least he said it before you slept with him instead of after....
Thank God you didn't have to waste more then 1 date on this nonsense of a man. I know that you are lonely in the sense of wanting to share life with someone and having someone to cuddle with at night. I totally completely get that. But, getting all of "that" and what marriage means, is not worth settling for. Guys like this are a dime a dozen. They will drain you and cause you to wish you were alone.
I'm sure hearing this from me must sound hypocritical to you, coming from someone that is on her third marriage. The thing is I didn't value myself so I set no standards on who I chose to be with. I married the first time because I was pregnant a second time and was kind of forced into it by parents. Giant mistake being married to someone that was not only mean, but could not be faithful. I cringe over the fact that I spent the years I did putting up with him. The good part was the children I have because of him. Sadly he hasn't had anything to do with them for last 25 years.
Then I married husband number 2 because I found someone that could love me in spite of having children. Rediculous huh? He was worse then my first husband and I spent 18 years living and hoping things would change. The thing is I didn't love him like I should have when I married him. Ugh!!
I have almost married a couple other guys...not good either. All of this until I finally gave some worth to myself and set some standards. I really thought this meant that I would be alone forever. Once I came to have a peace with this, I was happy being alone. I am sure being free of living with jerks had a little something to do with that. :)
I tell of this to you so show you what it could be like if you didn't value yourself the way you do...if you didn't have the high standards for youself you could have a guy right now but one that is less then worthy of you.
All these things you speak of are things my daughter also deals with in being single.
Don't give up, there are a lot of great guys out there yet...just waiting to meet wonderful women like you.
Sending you love and hugs and happy thoughts your way! XX
Oh, ugh...I'm sorry about the bad date. It's even more disheartening that he didn't catch on to how his comment affected you!
I'm so curious about what he said.
Yeah, don't leave us hangin'. What'd he say?
prime example of why i just don't date
Oh the woes of dating. I really hate this whole dating world and the losers we come in contact with. I have hope of a better man for both you and I, but that hope is starting to fade unfortunately. We're just too good for these sorry excuses for men. *sigh* Let me know when one proves there is still that hope...
Kia ora Stella,
On behalf of men I apologize. Kia kaha.
Aroha,
Robb
Kathryn!
Thank you for your kind and warm words. I really appreciate them. As much as I may seem like a downer, I do know that good men exist and thus, they help keep the hope alive!
Holly! Yes. True. It's good to get these things out on the first date. I've got my questions fine tuned now where I can weed out the...well...weeds.
Lori--Thank you for sharing so much of your story. I do feel lucky to have made the choices I have made. However, I feel like you have such a wisdom and love to share from the choices you made. I think, honestly, we both did what we needed to do.
I love you! Thank you for who you are!
Emily--yes, sometimes being clueless hits all time highs--he must have ignored half of the conversation we had been having before that :)
Jenny and JMH--let's simplify it to him referring to many female abuse victims as being partly responsible and saying that they really shouldn't get so angry. He was so calloused in his saying it. At first, honestly, I thought it was sarcasm. But, no. It got worse from there...especially when I let him have it.
(you know that scene in Sex and the City when Samantha throws the martini in Richard's face? Yeah, in my head it went like that :)
Robb--you're one of those men that give all women hope that men can be more than what they may sometimes seem (or be stereotyped as):)
timely. feeling the same. but not about the mysogyny...(did I spell that right? brain rot) just about the failure to connect and dating and ugh. Let's have a little tea date soon and we can commi(s)serate (did I spell that right? See! dating makes us doubt our own ability to spell!!!)
What a creep.
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