Friday, May 20, 2011


I finished reading Earth by Jon Stewart yesterday. It wasn't what I expected. It was written for Aliens. It was written as if all of Earth was dead and Aliens had come down and were vacationing in the carnage. Well, maybe "vacation" is the wrong word. Maybe it isn't. I don't know what Aliens like to do on vacation.

So. I read that. Then, I watched the news and saw people who think the rapture is happening tomorrow. As someone who lived in the South and has a magnet on my fridge about the rapture, I feel like an expert about it. However, I never did watch those movies with Kirk Cameron because I wanted my childhood lust and love for Kirk to remain constant, and I worried those films would diminish the lust and love. So, maybe I'm just an amateur expert.

Last night there was a huge lightning storm in my back yard. And thunder. Lots of both. If I were in Ancient Greece I'd be rolling my eyes that the God of Lightning and the God of Thunder had to have it out at 4am when I was trying to get some precious sleep. Those Gods! So mercurial in their emotions! But, I'm not in Ancient Greece. So, I thought of the next logical explanation. THE RAPTURE (say that in a booming, scary voice, like I do in my head when I use all capital letters). Yes, THE RAPTURE was here. Fox news was finally right!

I lay in bed and listened to the noises and telltale signs that people were going to be lifted out of their homes and taken up to the skies. I pretty much knew I wasn't going to be in that group, I had just had a glass of wine before bed, you see. And it made me hopeful that I wouldn't have to fight morning traffic. Then I laughed at the ironic thought that maybe ALL of Utah would be Left Behind and then, boy, wouldn't their faces be red! Those are basically the thoughts I had while the rapture was supposedly going on.

The other thought I had was that I was glad I just bought food storage because that storm sounded like it was never going to stop and that it was going to take everything except  my basement with it. The third thought I had was, "Oh God! What if something really does happen and I'm stuck in my house alone for DAYS and DAYS?!?!?!?!" Then I started talking to myself and calming myself down and telling myself how much I liked myself and how funny I was and how good it was that I had a lot of books I wanted to read because a huge catastrophic event where I am stuck in my home living off of packaged food items I got at Emergency Essentials (who promised me the pasta and meatballs in that package would taste like the real thing) is the perfect time to catch up on all my reading.


JonJon said...

"As someone who lived in the South and has a magnet on my fridge about the rapture, I feel like an expert about it."

This made me laugh out loud.

Craig said...

I sometimes wish the rapture would happen, so then we can get on with the business of secularising this country, ending wars, and actually teaching real science in schools without all the crazies freaking out about being forced to live in reality instead of their Jesus-fantasy.

Stella said...

JonJon--ha! And as someone who served an LDS mission in the South. How about that too! (funny)

Craig--I hear you! I sometimes forget that people think I came from some man's rib in a garden in Missouri. Tough times. (p.s. I have no idea why I don't know how to comment on your blog, I've got to figure it out. Sorry.

Craig said...

In order to comment, all you need to do is click on the purple date bar for any post or click on the "X Comments" link just under that and that should bring you to the page just for that post which should have a disqus comment form at the bottom.

Brooke said...

Heehee. Had fun reading this. I like you. :)