Wednesday, February 2, 2011

How To Kiss Without Tongue

How do you kiss without tongue? Apparently, I DO NOT know how. At all. I found this out last night when I kissed someone who was too demure (is that the word we want to use?) to USE his tongue. I think it's because I'm one of those people who goes after EVERYTHING she does with such passion and little restraint that when I did start kissing, I just went for it. Yee Haw.

Let me set the scene. There was a man that I was DESPERATELY in love with for most of 2002. I was young and Mormon and in love. I wanted to kiss him and date him and marry him. We did date. And we did hold hands. But, we did not kiss. This sounds weird, I know. This sounds weird, I guess, mostly to non-Mormons. The Mormons reading this post will understand that sometimes people make stupid pacts--like they aren't going to kiss until they are engaged. Or, they aren't going to kiss until they are almost engaged...and the kicker...they aren't going to kiss until the wedding day! (yes, this happens). You see, Mormons are so afraid of breaking any type of chastity law, that they try not to kiss often, they aren't supposed to French kiss or rub up and down against each other in horizontal or vertical positions.

Got it.

Moving on.

Over the years, said boy and I have stayed in touch. Last year we both admitted that we liked one another at the time and we should have kissed and that it was a shame that the golden opportunity passed us by. So, we decided, if we ever saw each other again (he lives far away from me) that we would make out like crazy. This night happened to suddenly arrive last night. We were both going to a lecture up at the local university. He was here for Sundance. He was with people. I was with people. We both had separate plans, but decided to steal away during intermission and make out. Problem was, there was just NO place to go. I scouted out handicap restrooms--none! Since last night was the coldest night Utah has had in my lifetime, we couldn't go outside. Finally, it was decided to meet in the elevator and ride it up and down while kissing.

Yes, I DO feel like I'm 15 while I'm writing this, thanks for asking.

So, we met in said elevator, said hi (we haven't seen each other in about 4 years) and went for it. Up and down (the elevator, sheesh!) and kissing and kissing--but NO TONGUE to be had. It's been about a month since I had a good make out, and I was ready.  I LOVE kissing. LOVE IT. But, this was almost worse than no kiss at all, because this kiss had the chance to be great. Two people. Willing. Two pairs of lips. And one pair WOULDN'T open. Not a bit. At all. I kept gently nudging it--you know, with MY tongue--and nothing. I think it must be because he's still active Mormon? If there is one thing in life I'm pretty solid on, it would be my kissing abilities, but I can't work with lips that won't part! How is this possible? I left the elevator so frustrated that I just sort of beat my head against the door when I got home.

I feel, lately, that I'm the aggressor in most of my interactions with men. I blame this on my age, and my sexual peak. I should probably try and date a 21 year old for the amount of times that I think about sex during a given HOUR. It's THAT bad. The problem is that I now date older men who are focused on their careers, so even when we're dating I have to start taking clothes off in front of them to get them to stop talking about their goals and get down to the real business. TMI? Good. It's my blog. Please let me vent.

The BEST part of the evening came when I was liplocked with the boy in the elevator, and the door opened and a little old Russian lady entered. I gathered she was Russian from her accent. I have a gift with identifying accents. She looked at us as we stood there silently smiling. She eyed us carefully, smiled and then got off at level two. We resumed making out...or, should I say that I resumed TRYING to get SOME satisfaction! Five minutes later, the elevator door opened and the same sweet lady (she must have been 5 foot tall, and the elevator was tiny, and I'm 6 foot tall and he is 6' 4" so--I'm sure we were looming and heaving all over her) entered again. Now, my sensitive skinned face was red, and my hair was askew and all the telltale signs of a tongue-less makeout were there.

She hid a laugh.

Conversation ensued.

Russian Lady (read in accent if you can please)"Ah, you two do the, the date, yes?"

Him "'am."

RL: "Good for you! Good for you! You go at it in the elevator, yes?"

Me: "Um, yes?"

RL: "Good for you! Good for you! Ah, you two remind me about youngness."

So, that was MY evening. All about youngness, and unfortunately--no tongueness.

The End.


Holly said...

I dated a guy who didn't believe in French kissing, and who shamed me whenever I did it during our brief time together. He was Jewish and didn't have the excuse of having been raised to be a prude. He was just weird, and a jerk.

I'm so glad I didn't get stuck with him. Imagine: a life of crappy kissing. No thanks.

Stella said...

As Carrie Bradshaw says, "Bad kissing is just non-negotiable!" And I agree.

Being raised in prudish fashion myself--I am glad I had Sex and the City to teach me a few important lessons :)

JonJon said...

That's funny. I can understand teenagers sticking to the "no French kissing" rule, but an adult male? I've just kind of assumed that French kissing is generally considered to be fine as an adult.

But yeah. Good kissing is so important.

Craig said...

I wouldn't know how to kiss w/o tongue either (that is, kissing that isn't a peck on the lips). It makes no sense. how do you kiss for longer than a few seconds without at least a little tongue action?


Andrea said...

Oh my, you are so funny, I love this post! I'm so glad you shared.

On the pacts, I know young Mormons who do this now, I didn't know it had become mainstream. I don't remember that when I was a young Mormon girl. Making out was the greatest thing about being a teenager. I couldn't imagine being one without it. ;)

But as for a grown adult, Mormon or not, and just the fact that he was willing to do this, I'm shocked.

Newt said...

BAHAHAHA... I love everything about this story!

amelia said...

I really, really wish I had been in your place so I could have had that conversation with the little Russian lady. Totally awesome.

Anonymous said...

I can never kiss without a toungue...
So the moment when you go see your boyfriend and he wants a quick kiss are themost akward moments for me..I will give him a kiss but it has to be one of them toungue kisses or just a peck on the lips haha its weird