Thursday, September 9, 2010

Something Like San Fran....

Last week I thought about moving to San Fran. I did this because one person in my life (an important person) made me feel that living in Utah was probably less than what my life should be.

And I realized, after three days of debating about San Fran...that there was a more important question I should be asking.

Why do I care so much about what he thinks of me?
There is a deep part of who I am that doesn't want to disappoint the idea that he has of me. AND THAT...above any other choice I'm making right now, has totally baffled me. Hurmph.

So, I decided to take things to the extreme and examine:

At the top of one extreme is Jesus, the Prophet, or just orthodox Mormonism in general. I worshipped this extreme to the extreme. Under this extreme I was supposed to get married. I was supposed to have babies. I was supposed to give my power to a man. I was supposed to succumb. I was supposed to do A LOT of crazy shit that I never did. I failed. I failed miserably at being a good mormon girl. And while I can now give a standing ovation to that failure, for many years under the LDS umbrella, I felt pretty shitty for being such a failure. It hurt to fail that hard.

The other extreme. The most opposite thing from Mormon world I can get is the world that he represents to me. He's like the hot, chocolate Jesus of this world. This is a world of possibility, of power, of living your dreams, of knowing your dreams, of being in complete bliss with each of your actions, of being at the highest self-actualized point in life. And, there it is. And I have had glimpses of trying to tackle this world. The latest one was with BossLady. And I failed. Miserably. Terribly. And it hurt.

Now, dusting myself off again. I am taking a look at both extremes and finding where I want to fit in on the spectrum. I have, sadly, somehow made his opinion of me too high up on my list--maybe because he is male? because he is powerful?

I've gone around this week wondering why I care so much of what he thinks of me, and I guess it is because he represents so much of what I want to become....

The truth is, I have a game plan for my life--and it absolutely involves Utah at this time--but I was afraid to admit it to him.

And the reality from that is that I need to stop giving others my power and I need to trust my gut, my intuition, and my plan without doubting it when one person raises an eyebrow at it. Because if one person raising an eyebrow gets me to doubt my plan, then I need a new plan or I need to get back my power

The beautiful thing about my life right now is that I am knowing myself to my core. What if the job I took turned out to be the most horrific thing ever--who am I still? What if BossLady hates me--who am I? What if people think I bad at my job--who am I? What if Jesus isn't real and I've devoted the last 30 years of my life to him--who am I? What if the Mormon church isn't true, and my lame ass ex-boyfriend wasn't attracted to me, and my parents were sort of shitty, and I was abused as a kid, and my best friend betrayed me, and my paycheck isn't very big...then who the fuck am I? And if I can have a solid answer and know myself fully after all of that...and leave room for growth and freedom and changing my plans as I grow and change, well, then, San Fran may come and it may not...but I'll still be me :)


Lori said...

((((Stella)))) Bravo! I'm thankful your getting to know you. Your words really struck at my core today...getting back one's power...I needed to hear have reminded me of some important facts my friend. Thank you.

Blessings to you on this journey of are learning so add to the wisdom that is already there. Sending much love and hugs your way. XX

Craig said...

Yes. This.

I started to reply, but then realised I had too much to say, so I made a blog post about it.

JonJon said...

I wanted to stand and shout amen after reading this. But I'm sitting in my waist high cubicle at work and so I refrained. You have an amazing and beautiful energy about you. I spotted you right off the bat at Sunstone.

Kittie Howard said...

Big applause for an honest critique...for wanting to realize your own power. But, I think if you re-read what you've written, you see you've laid the foundation and are on your way. By the way, I'm a bit older (ha!) and Mormon or not, I truly believe everyone goes thru an introspective period. Know thyself! Hugs!

Aerin said...

What I've realized is that one person's opinion is just that. One person's opinion - no matter who they are.

I have a couple of people I run things past - people I trust, who I know will tell me their gut reaction without strings. Even if I disagree with them, or don't follow their advice, I know they will help me put things into perspective, give me things I hadn't thought of before. It is a gift, honestly.

Good for you for taking your power back and making your own decisions.

No one else is living my one else has to accept the consequences of my choices. I just keep that in mind when people give advice on what I should do...and when I give people advice....I'm not living their life either.

LizF said...

I love what everyone is saying here, so I have to just Ditto. However, for years, I gave other people my power in different ways, and it backfired (also in different ways). Have love and TRUST in yourself, and from there you will answers those questions.

Yay for YOU!!!!! :-)

Shrinky said...

It's often so hard to recognise and throw off the shackles instilled from childhood - bravo to you, dear lady, for being brave and strong enough to know the path you follow is (difficult as it may be) the only true course to an authentic life.

Newt said...

Thanks so much for sharing these thoughts...! Why is it so difficult sometimes to know who we are/what we want?

p.s. I just found out we may have a common friend, but I am a little bit crazy about privacy sometimes, so I don't know if I should post full name on here. Do you happen to know a Corey who lives in Rhode Island, though, by any chance?

Ruahines said...

Kia ora my friend,
I had no idea you were back "online" this way, but how cool to see your words and thoughts. You have had an amzing year, and hey, they are supposed to have some ups and downs - just like the mountains. But you are still pouring forth upon the world and finding out whom you really are. I reckon as long as you are still asking the questions, and never become full of answers, then you are doing okay. We will all find out soon enough. Kia kaha!

Stella said...

Newt. I love him. I met with him a few months ago as I was hoping he would come and work for BossLady. He didn't. Thank goodness!!!

Stella said...

THank you everyone! So lovely to hear! I've finding more and more out every day and it is getting more and more perfect! It means so much for you all to be there with support!

Newt said...

Awesome... if you ever find yourself headed toward the northeast, let me know. Would love to meet up!