Here Comes Your Man

While I love seeing Joseph Gordon Levitt pretend he doesn't really know how to sing in this clip, I'd like to focus more on the message of the song by the Pixies (a band I love, though I've never attempted the haircut).

Exterior Shot--Chain Restaurant (because two people who never frequent chains find themselves in a suburb). Two tall, distinguished, passionate artists walk into the joint to get lunch. 

Pan to: Close up of seating hostess. She watches couple approach, she sizes up the two of them, she's immediately attracted to the male. 

Hostess: Welcome to this awesome Chain Restaurant. We are so glad to have you here. Please follow me."

Batting eyelashes, quick look up and down his body, and back to his eyes again.

"Wow, sir, you're really, really tall. That must be so nice for you to be so tall. How tall are you, Sir."

Man: 6' 4"

Hostess: My, my, my. So tall.

Woman: Yes, isn't he? I'm tall too. We really love being tall.

Hostess: not wanting to acknowledge woman exists, but glancing over and saying with disinterest, "Oh? how tall are you?"

Woman: 6 foot. It's such a great height. I'm really fond of it.

Hostess: Well, must be so nice for you to have found a tall, strong man. Hold on to your man, you're pretty lucky to be with him.

Man and Woman debate inwardly whether or not to point out everything wrong with what this woman just said, but decide to not launch a verbal tired on the naive, young seating hostess at a chain restaurant in California who believes that a woman must "hold on to a man" and is worth more if she has one. Instead, they just smile and nod.

Man: Ouch. Did you see what she just did to you?

Woman: Yep. Apparently, I'm the lucky one. I'm the one who needed a man. I'm the one who better not let you go, or it will be my loss. That's a Lifetime movie waiting to be made yet again.

Note to reader. This man is NOT my man. He never has been and never will be. He is, however, a dear friend, and one who thinks similarly to myself.

Man: Yes, see, how come I couldn't have been the lucky one? How come I couldn't have been told not to let you go? Or how nice it must be to be with someone who is as tall as you are?

Note to reader: We love this man. He is one of our dearest friends. His ability to even talk about this with me is one of the reasons why.

End Scene (for now, but this happens on more than one occasion. It also happens that every woman that has ever seated this man and myself at a restaurant has practically slipped him her phone number. It doesn't matter if we're holding hands or making out between our sushi, they still do it. Dear Women--wtf?)


It's an interesting thing to notice, in my life, that I am never quite seen as fully complete, adult, fulfilled, and utterly blissed out on joy if I do not have a man in my life. This is a reality that many of the women around me adopt. This is a reality that I refuse to adopt. This is a reality that I want to eradicate from the deepest marrow of my bones. This happens and I wish it didn't. It really, really gets old. /Rant.

Rewiring the Brain.

Sometimes I try to pretend that I was never religious. I'm tired of religion. I'm tired when I think of all the decisions that I made about my education and my life because I was worried they would take me away from my true calling as a wife and mother. I'm tired of trying to talk in circles about how to change said religions so they make more sense and are more egalitarian.

I just get tired. Or maybe, I'm just still so hurt. I think I avoid religion lately because it's still so emotionally taxing on me. Having made a break from the Mormon faith just over two years ago hasn't dissipated all the hard wiring my brain has had to try and undo after 30 years of thinking one way. And it's hard fighting with yourself all the time. It's hard second guessing your well thought out decisions. It's hard having friends and family look at you like you are a problem to be fixed. It gets hard. And tiring.

I recently read this article that really moved me. I understood her story. I lived her story. I think you could read it too and see what a lot of women in the LDS church deal with--though it may seem silly that it's engrained in us so fully, but it really is.

She tells her story, and then she optimistically paints a solution to how you can balance your faith, family, and career if certain changes were made. I like the story she paints. She paints it in shades of warm yellow and orange that make me start to feel something. But, my blueness regarding the situation comes back after only a few moments. Sometimes the problem seems so big. And, why should I even try and change what I perceive as a problem, when so many women are ok with it? That's the big question. Do I just get out and then leave the church and it's consenting women to their own demise? Many would say yes. Many would get upset with me even calling it a "demise". But all I know is that if I didn't have a friend who was brave enough to voice her concerns and leave the church and then tell me about it, knowing, or at least hoping, that I would love her anyway--if I didn't have her to see that it WAS possible to be actually happy and religion free--then I'd still be in that same church. I would be meeting my own demise. My soul and spirit and whatever you want to call it were dying in that church and I didn't even realize it.

You can read the full story about this woman here.

Also, you can read this little excerpt below.

Women’s invisibility is at the root of all their problems, and this invisibility comes from women’s profound lack of representation in the major decision making councils of the world and their lack of influence and power. To have their voices heard and better the lives of all women, men, and children, they must find their way into governments, academia, international affairs, and business administration. In that way, those making the decisions will have women’s needs and interests (and by extension, those of the family) in mind. However, this presents a major dilemma for those who are Latter-day Saints and who believe that motherhood and family cohesion are preeminent.

It is broadly accepted that Mormons traditionally believe in stay-at-home moms. For many years the counsel to the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints from the church leaders has been for mom to stay in the home while the children are still being raised. They were strongly counseled against taking any kind of career when it wasn’t necessary. Many Latter-day Saint boys are raised to look for a girl to marry who is committed to staying home with her kids, and girls are raised with marriage and homemaking as their ultimate ambition. How is a Latter-day Saint to reconcile the need for women to take positions of political influence, when those positions require work outside of the home and a lifelong investment in a career in order to reach any type of authoritative level of influence? Considering that a woman cannot be simultaneously in her home with her children and in the workplace making a change in the world, and boards of directors and politicians cannot and will not hire someone without experience, major societal changes are in order to reconcile this dilemma. These changes must take place in the workplace, in societal values, and in societal expectations, particularly for men.

I feel like it's Indecision 2011 for me. I'm almost 34. I feel like I need to decide if I want to go out and grab that husband and have that baby, or if I want to do what I feel so passionate about in my heart. Is there really a way to do both? I don't really believe that there is. I think having children changes the playing ground so completely that your life is never the same. That you focus so fully on them you let other things fall by the wayside. That's a good thing. I want mothers in this world that would be involved in mothering. And I know myself well enough to know that if I had a child, I would give so much of myself, my time, my talents (and that I would WANT to give those things to that little baby) that all of my other dreams would still sort of be realized, just not as fully. Or my dreams would change. Which isn't a bad thing at all. But it seems bad now. It seems lesser. It seems like I won't reach my full potential. It seems like I'm talking in circles, doesn't it? Meh. 

This May Not Come Across Very Well at All

"I am friend of my girl friend, kind understanding, support, respect her and help her achieving her dreams, fun , love sports, i am a serious guy now!!!...i ve passed that adolcence fase.
i want to find a woman that we can be friends...that we can match eachother...i am trying...i will not give up untill i find her , i know she is somewre out there , so i will keep on looking for her ...my soulmate...i believe in that....that give sense to life ...love ...happy love...perfet love...to fall in love ...is the most wonderfull thing!!!"


I already know this post is destined to have the appearance of poking fun at people. It's trying desperately not to. It's really only poking fun at me, Stella. It's only poking fun at the myriad of situations I have found myself trying to meet people across this amazing planet of ours.


When I was living in Europe last year, it was not my first time. However, it was the first time that Europe seemed to have become just as effected by online dating as America now is. When I lived there before, I was always meeting people in organic ways. They usually involved going to church, meeting people at church, becoming friends with people at church, and then becoming friends with all of THEIR friends (who were mostly non-religious in Europe). That's how I always did it, and I've awesomely acquired a very successful social life while living abroad.


This past year, was not the case. First, I don't go to church anymore. Second, I was in Switzerland when it was too cold to do much, but I promised myself that I would go out and meet people when I moved to Portugal. I tried. When I could. I worked long hours and I could never quite plan things as my boss was flippant and hard to pin down and could ask me to work all night on a whim--not really caring if I had made any plans. After a few nights going out alone, I realized I was a target for drunk men looking for a hookup. I felt like one too. I didn't know how to meet people this way! Late, one evening, I looked on the Portuguese match.com website (three day free trial y'all!) and there were several hundred people signed up. Two actually had profiles in English.


Yes. I copied them down and just randomly found them in my email inbox when I was cleaning it out today. Yes, I am going to post them here. Yes, if you know me, these are even more awesomer. Yes, they might poke fun a little, but I am sure if I tried to write one in Portuguese it would come across a similar fashion and I would have a sense of humor about it and allow a very American guy to post it on his blog for all to read and smile about. Yes, everything about this post is ok. One is posted at the beginning of this post. And here is the other one.


PURE WRITING GOLD.


And no, I was not seduced into signing up and emailing them, though I should have because I like people who want to help me achieve my dreams, who think I can give them a sense to life and most of all, I enjoy the nature.

"Hi. I´m a normal person who is taking the best side of internet. I am intelligent, sincere and concentrate person. Like to travel, be with friends, watch the moon, walk on rain love love the green of the nature. I enjoy read a good book, go to cinema. I am a little bit shy at start. I enjoy cooking sometimes, specially cakes. A good person. Fun person, that enjoys the nature. Someone that show the feelings, very honest and true. I´m looking for someone that enjoys life, don´t harms their own health. That likes and protect the nature (as much as possible). Someone i can trust."




p.s.--this man can walk on rain!!!!!!

LOVE Bucket List

When I was young and idealistic and whimsical and braided my long hair so that if fell over my left shoulder and wore sundresses and loved that my room was flowery and sweet and soft...when I was that age, I made a list of things that I wanted to experience in the world of love. I wrote them on little pieces of yellow paper. I folded them up and I put them in a small dish that I never gave back to a boy I dated. He had given me raspberries in that little dish. He gave them to me on our first date. They were fresh and round and red and he taught me how to burst the flavor of them by pressing my tongue to roof of my mouth. He gave them to me instead of flowers. Sometimes, I'll day dream about those raspberries, their taste, and the fact that we both kissed each other with remnants of them still in our mouths.

That little glass bowl is packed up in my belongings somewhere. I'm hoping to find it next month when I finally get my own house and can finally stop living out of a suitcase.


I remember a few that have come true. I wanted to kiss and kiss and kiss in a parking lot during a rainstorm...just like Molly Ringwald at the end of Pretty in Pink. It happened, and it was, if you can believe, even HOTTER than this. It was good. So, so good.

I miss kissing. I think about it a lot because I don't really want a boyfriend. I've had those. They don't stick the way I want them too. They either want too much from me or I want too much from them, but lately, it's been the former and it makes me wonder why I can't seem to make any sort of commitment. But I want kissing. I haven't kissed for two months. Maybe that doesn't seem like a long time. But it is. And I want it.

My wish list in the realm of love, I think, is simple. There is something attainable in that kind of simpleness.

One of the other simplistic wishes on my Love Bucket List is for a man to buy me the perfect used book for no reason at all other than the fact that he knows I would appreciate it. This happened, out of the indigo blue. It was a little French version of a small tale that I read when the sun is shinning. It was perfect.

What is one of yours?

Date. Rant.

There is nothing worse than when you start to develop a crush on someone and things are flirtatious and vivacious and you're smiling and you're laughing and joking and then, all of a sudden, he says the most conservative, misogynist, hateful-toward-women comment you can imagine coming out of one person's mouth. And he's still laughing because he thinks he's just won you over, and that he's the most amazing guy in the world. His ego has been stroked. He feels smart and superior and noble. He doesn't even give you the credit of being intelligent enough to see the depths of his hate. In fact, he doesn't see it either. He's programmed to believe in everything society tells him. And you really didn't just want a free cup of coffee, you wanted to believe that there were people out there who think and feel and live and dream like you. You felt a little betrayed because ALL SIGNS pointed to the fact that this man could carry on a conversation that wouldn't slight half of the population's experiences. And you, suddenly, get a small blow to the stomach because you realize, even though the banter is great, that there will never, ever, be date number two. In fact, you might just give up dating all together. In fact, that blow to the stomach comes not just from the idiotic statement of this man, but from the world of men just like him that he is the poster child for. And you realize, as you crawl into bed alone that night and want to snuggle up to someone, that you just might not ever be capable of committing to doing that because your voice and ideas and mission and everything else is tied up in something bigger than simply not being alone at night.

Damn. I really should have stayed home last night and watched the rest of Glee: Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Sigh.