Something Simple

This blog finally feels like a blog to me. Thank you to each of you who are reading and for those of you who are commenting. You will find out that I don't usually post about love on this blog as I have a separate and private blog where I do that. But this post I just wrote, well, this one, I just felt like sharing on a larger scale as I think a lot of you have felt these feelings. I just happen to be feeling them now. By the way, if you'd like to read my Stellar Love Stories--please send me an email and I will send you an invite. It's all love--all the time!!

Something Simple:

He could be kissing someone else right now. He could be holding her hand the way he used to hold mine. He could be kissing that sensitive spot just below her left ear, just like he did mine. Everything he did with me, he could be doing with someone else. Now. Someone not me. Right now. I cannot, thought I've tried these past few months, wrap my brain around this idea.

Does that make the times when it was me less poignant? Does it cheapen what we had? Do we all just continue to replicate the same actions with people we form attachments to?

I can't think that we do. But I've been wrong before. Many times.

She may not know that he likes to have his stomach rubbed. She may never smell like ambrosia the way I did. He might not breathe her in the same way....nor as deeply as he did with me. He might not hold her in the same way...with his hands touching her lower back just so. He may not reach over and tuck that piece of blonde hair behind her ear while she's ranting about feminism.

But then again, he just might and she just might. They might just have exactly what we had. I cannot wrap my brain around this.

He told me he wanted someone simple. Is it possible to be glad I didn't fit that description, but also sad that I didn't fit that description? There is something beautiful in simplicity. Something easy. Something...predictable. I think after what he'd been through in life--he wanted predictable.

He mentioned a girl he thought he could date. She was simple. Very simple. I told him--as we sat on my couch that dark night, no lights, just empty air and black silhouettes--I told him that if he wanted to know what every day for the rest of his life would be like, then he should marry that girl. She was safe.

What he didn't know, what he couldn't see, was that I was safe too. That my love, once given, is fierce and strong and radiant and beautiful and intense and far from simple. It was lasting, it was a choice, it was redeeming, it was voiced, it was considerate, in encouraged, it was passionate, and it never discouraged. It was safe. It wasn't simple. These two things don't have to go together.

But it is over.

And right now, right now--he could be with a simple girl, holding her simple hand, and simply feeling safe.

And I cannot wrap my brain around that.

The Unambiguous Woman

Feminist theorist Deborah Cameron coined the term "unambiguous woman" when she read this quote in Writing a Woman's Life, "What does it mean to be unambiguously a woman? It means to put a man at the center of one's life and to allow to occur only what honors his prime position. One's own desires and quests are always secondary." For me the "man" isn't a husband, I don't have one of those, but it is the idea of a husband, it's a father, male colleagues, clergy, and even God. "Man" is the symbol of male authority itself, the collective rule of men in general.

For the first thirty years of my life, I tried to cultivate the unambiguous woman in me, because I was taught that that was what I should be. I was advised to drop my pre-med studies because I needed to focus on becoming a mother. I was told that I wouldn't need a career because if I was faithful in my religion, God would give me a good husband who would take care of all my needs. Deep inside I tried convince my true self that I needed to belong to this world. It was all I knew. Yet, I've always fought against belonging, even though it was in small ways.

I've spent the last several years of my life distancing myself from the religion I was raised in because of the inherent patriarchy, but I've also spent the last several years hoping that times were changing, that religions could evolve, that God really didn't love 50% of the population more than the other 50%.

In a recent talk given at BYU, Elder Pace speaks of women in a way I would have expected from an episode of Mad Men, but am not all that surprised that it happened only last week.

Some highlights from his speech:

Women have a sacred role in the sanctification and purification of men, Elder Glenn L. Pace of the Seventy told students and faculty during the campus devotional in the Marriott Center at BYU on Tuesday, March 9

~So women exist FOR men. Simply put.

~Women are not independent actors, they are tools to improve the lives of men. Now maybe addressing men was not the scope of Elder Pace's devotional, but it concerns me that nothing was said in relation to the male's sanctifying and comforting role in the lives of women.

"There is a limit to our spiritual development as long as we are single. There is a spiritual development which can only be obtained when a man and a woman join their incomplete selves into a complete couple...Although single men and women can accomplish great things on their own, they are incomplete until united intellectually, emotionally, physically and most important, spiritually."

~ The church is made up of a large percentage of single people. I can't believe that I'll NEVER fully be the best person I can be without marriage. I no longer believe that I need a man to make me more spiritual, intellectual, and saved. Please don't misunderstand me. I look forward to a beautiful marriage, but not having one is not going to make me EVER feel incomplete. EVER.

Referring to the phrase, "men have the priesthood and women have been given the blessing of procreation," Elder Pace spoke of the importance of each role in a relationship, and the ability couples have to complement one another in their eternal roles.

~ This is always the pat on the head that women are given in the church. "But you get to be MOTHERS? That's why men are in charge." The fallacies of this argument are many. The least of which is that MEN, too, are given the blessing of procreation (I mean, women, we don't do this alone do we?)

"Sisters, I testify that when you stand in front of your heavenly parents in those royal courts on high and you look into Her eyes and behold Her countenance, any question you ever had about the role of women in the kingdom will evaporate into the rich celestial air, because at that moment you will see standing directly in front of you, your divine nature and destiny."

~While I think this is a beautiful paragraph, I can't help but feel as if he is telling women NOT to question their role because he's given them the promise that it will all be sorted out in heaven. I just think that is a lame answer. Men don't have to wait until heaven to know Father in Heaven. He's present and explained in every facet of the religion. Women don't get the same knowledge and goals to aim for.

~I think this talk brings up a lot more questions than it answers. Yes, he says that when women see Heavenly Mother all our questions about women's role in the Plan of Salvation will be answered. But he gives no hint to what that answer will be and from the rest of his talk it really seems like women's divine destiny is only to be a comforter with no comparable power to men.

Hmmm...thoughts? What role does patriarchy play in your religion?

Here's what the Feminist Mormon Housewives had to say. And this one is a funny little commentary from JDD.

Something Pretty...

Today I discovered something pretty on etsy. You should look at her creations. They are perfect for spring. I love the opaque colors. They make me happy. Spring makes me happy. Jewelry makes me happy.As Michael Scott would say: it's a win-win-WIN

Perfect little earrings to wear while donning a light white sundress--my yellow hair plaited off to the side, and a sparkle in my blue eyes. They are fresh. They match the color of my cheeks. I just might have to get these.

I think this green is a perfect Easter color. It reminds me of only good and simple things. It also reminds me of old English dames...and that makes me happy too. It also makes me want tea. I better be off to put the pot on. Wish you could join me.

Deeper Peace

I'm at a time in my life that will never be again. I have the high peaks of the Swiss Alps on each side of my world. I have afternoons occasionally free where I can drive down the mountain to a nearby river. Along this river is a beautiful bike trail that I walk along. I've been able to get some lovely, long walks in. I walk for hours and miles and realize that I might not have the time to do this again once life gets busy in Portugal.

I don't rush. I don't hurry. I don't speed walk too much or even think about burning calories or having exercise...instead, I just walk. I walk. I smell the air. I look at the leaves on the trees and the fish hitting the surface of the river in search of something. I listen to an audio book...lately two different ones by Wayne Dyer (a big thanks to that person who first introduced me to him!) and find myself at some level of deep peace I never have experienced before.

Since I'm walking along the bike trail at the time when most people my age are hard at work, every five or ten minutes a sweet old Swiss man passes me slowly on his bike and says, "Bonjour!"

It's the highlight of my walk. These wrinkled and active men who look about at the end of their life's journey. Smiling. Pushing those pedals with the same amount of peace and time and joy that I take my steps.

It pretty much rocks.

Dress Me Up!

This is a dress I just bought for long walks on the beach. I'll be wearing it without a trench but with a belt. I'll be wearing it without the rain and without the shoes and with a big, big smile.

Sarah Seven Dresses

I'm moving to warm places soon. Very warm. I want to only wear dresses. I feel more at home in them. My legs breathe deeper and my smile is wider. I've been collecting and carefully buying some great pieces. I'd like to share some of them in the next little bit. But here is a great little designer I just came across.
Sarah Seven Dresses is wistful and feminine and warm and good. I like the fabrics and colors she uses. I like the drapes and lines. I just like.

Biting the Hand that Occasionally Feeds Me

This past Sunday I went to church. If you're new to my life. I don't go to church that much. In fact, after 30 years of a strict religious adherence, I left all religion behind.

And yet, last Sunday, I woke up early and drove 30 minutes to a tiny building where a small branch of my church people meet. I didn’t do it because I needed spiritual upliftment. I did it because I was lonely. Growing up in a family that practice strict religion and being about people who did the same, I took it for granted that church and church activities was a main way of meeting people and making friends. I never went out much to bars and partying. I never learned how to make friends in that way and still feel a bit uncomfortable with it.

So, after a few months of not making friends in my new country, I decide that I was desperate enough to go to church. I know, that sounds awful. Forgive me. I've been pretty vocal about some religious dissatisfactions I've had with my church in the past two years. As I drove to church I wondered, was I biting a hand that still has room to feed me? Would I be able to pull church off again, since there is so much I don't agree with? Was it right of me to even do so? I felt a bit like a traitor.

I walked into the first meeting of the block, Relief Society. There were 8 women there. ALL of them were over 80 years old. Two were in wheel chairs. One had an oxygen tank.

I AM NOT KIDDING.

Seems like religion is dying out all over Europe, but I don't think the church was ever that alive in Switzerland. I almost laughed as all the eyes bugged out of their heads to see a new, fresh, young church going girl walk into their midsts. I decided that even though I didn't get what I wanted (some young fun women to go to a movie with or something!), that perhaps I could learn something from these wise and sweet Swiss women. I did. They spoke simply of faith and love and in French that I could actually understand. It was refreshing. It was sweet. I liked it. I think I am going to go again next week. They'll probably ask me to give a talk in French, and you know what--I'm a bit excited. I stick to the fact that church just seems better in Europe, away from the pressures and culture of Utah. I like being a member more when I'm over here.

JESUS UPDATE (because every blog post needs a Jesus update at some point or other!): I've not really cared about Jesus the past two years. I don't mean that to sound trite or casual. It's just how it is. I'm not sure if I even label myself a Christian anymore, but lately, just lately, I've felt drawn to reevaluating the teachings of Jesus...but not through a Christian lens. Impossible you might say! But no! These two books have come into my life and are helping me feel the admiration and love and honor for Jesus that I haven't felt in a long time.

RELIGIOUS DISCLAIMER (needed after being so positive about Jesus): Sometimes I worry that when I say something positive about religion that all my actively religious friends are going to say, "Oh, I just knew Stella's testimony of truth was going to come back!" And the truth is, it IS growing and changing and it doesn't really involve organized religion at all. In fact, I still have all my religious issues that I've expressed before. Those haven't changed and probably never will. However, I still think there is something sacred about honoring my roots every once in awhile, not ever being bitter about my religious heritage, and learning where things fit in my life.